I decided I wouldn't lead with me being overweight; yep, I am but I'm so much more than that.. I have goals and dreams for 2006... some sorta silly (practicing my oboe, ice skating for the first time, taking belly dancing classes again), some not so silly (improving my physical well being, letting go of things about which I can do nothing)... I want to socialize more, get involved with the community around me more, find my niche when it comes to outreach programs, and simply BE more.
Clapping my hands for Denise, genius extraordinaire!
Denise, a woman who is multitalented, artistic, kind hearted, a wonderful mother, a caring friend, a kind ear, and a terrific all-round soul, has designed and installed this magnificent template for me. Let's hear it for our buddy! THANKS DENISE, it is be-u-T-ful!
Posted JDaaris @
10:52 AM ::
8 chocolate drops
Well, actually, I've been working a little on and off; my coworkers can't be bothered to check the schedule and see if I'm off, and I've fielded calls during the week asking "work-related" questions; I haven't answered all the phone calls, just those I knew would be brief. I got a surprise e-mail from the book publisher Friday morning asking me to provide 10 more proofing/editing exercises for them, by this Tuesday! Seems one of the persons also providing these dropped out at the last minute. Luckily, being on vacation, I could do it for them (hey, for moolah, of course!). Friday wasn't going so well anyway, a little friction around here... then the AD (adult daughter), who came back Thursday night, blew up at me again; just flew off the handle because the porch screen door was locked and she couldn't get in the house... I didn't lock it, I was in the back of the house working.... talk about displaced anger....
I called her yesterday afternoon (Saturday), around 2:00ish, fully expecting to get her voice mail, just to say "I love you." I had the overwhelming urge to just tell her that... with my belief system, I feel it was the Holy Spirit moving me in that direction, to plant a seed in her heart. She answered the phone, I told her I love her, and she profusely apologized to me; I gently reminded her that she should have called me, not I her. She was afraid I wouldn't pick up the phone if she had...I may not have. Sometimes I just chose avoid hearing the excuses for her vicious verbal attacks.
Anyway, it's raining and dreary here. I'm listening to my classical music, my nature sounds music, to uplift my spirits before starting back to work. We didn't go to church this morning, hubby has been battling his asthma all week, and just didn't feel well enough to go out in the cold rain. I never go alone, not to this church; I still feel like an outcast looking in through a window in this class... wonder if that will ever change?
I appreciate your comments of support, they mean a lot to me. ~ Anna
Posted JDaaris @
8:12 AM ::
5 chocolate drops
I've been asking myself off and on since last night, "what are tender hearted beans?" I'm old... probably nobody else remembers the Campbell's ad where they talked about their tender hearted beans. What exactly is a tender hearted bean, and how can you tell a tender hearted bean from a hard hearted bean?
What is a paw-paw? Where does one find a paw-paw patch? Apparently they are small enuff to fit in one's pocket...
I still wonder about Jimmy "cracking corn" and what in the world does that mean as well, especially since we don't care anyway...
Well, AD (adult daughter) has been gone now since Monday morning when she left for work. She still calls, but speaks only with her father. He told me that he told her if she ever hits me again, he'll kill her. I guess that's supposed to make me feel protected, but frankly, I'd rather see her deal with her anger issues and explosive destructive eruptions than to be threatened by her father. It annoys me that she has not attempted to apologize to me, and that he is basically taking her calls and treating her normally. She obviously hasn't moved out, which is what we want; she's simply removed herself from the situation until she thinks its safe to come back and resume the same tense living arrangement we've had for more than a year now.
My husband has always catered to her, would not allow me to punish her, which is why she and I, and he and I, have the relationship we do. When she's totally out of the picture, he and I are fine. When he's totally out of the picture, she and I still don't get along; she treats and speaks to me as if I'm some type of moron. I wonder if it will ever change? Even though I've prayed and prayed about peace in my life, it hasn't come yet. I get discouraged, and I know I should still be hopeful and have faith that things will change... some days I just can't feel that way.
Thanks for listening. Kel, thanks for the info, I made a note of it, if you wish to delete your comment. ~ Anna
Posted JDaaris @
8:21 AM ::
6 chocolate drops
seem to have been the main item on this weekend's agenda. I jumped to some wrong conclusions regarding my husband early Saturday evening, and had a miserable Sunday because of it. We didn't speak. He's fine when that happens, but I'm not. I have a tendency to over communicate my feelings and position on things (mostly to him only, thankfully); he has apparently developed the art of not listening but appearing to, to a masterful level. I'm sometimes placed in the position of defending myself against the verbal (and sometimes physical) onslaught from my adult daughter. She never does this in front of him; she punched me in the back yesterday afternoon, called me a few horrible and choice names. Why I'm subjected to this, I don't know; why my husband doesn't take a more proactive role in defending me, I don't know. Why this is even tolerated in our own home, I don't know.
I don't feel I should have to be placed in a position of offering my side of the story, versus her side of the story, then having my husband/her father decide who is telling the truth. Reminds me of adolescent she said/she said type stuff, and I don't want any part of it.
I wonder if our communication, and him believing me, trusting me implicitly will ever be where it needs to be. I wonder if he will ever simply put his foot down and force our daughter out of our home. She's overstayed her welcome by many months now. I think the stress is slowing killing me; my heart beats very irregularly, I'm having chest pain more frequently... I guess I gotta do what I gotta do for myself, at some point.
Sorry this is so long and so whiny. Thanks for "listening."
Posted JDaaris @
8:02 AM ::
7 chocolate drops
I'm feeling very melancholy and angry today... I don't want to get into it, but I believe I'm facing a major life change very soon. I decided to post some pictures of my wonderful cat, Valyum; thought maybe looking at them in this forum will enhance my mood somewhat. Love all of yall.
Posted JDaaris @
8:21 AM ::
6 chocolate drops
I wonder if my sister even gave daddy's birthday a passing thought? When my own daughter got up yesterday morning, she asked me how I was (the usual inquiry); I told her I was a little sad...she said quietly, "and I know why." I didn't have to remind her whose birthday it would have been...
Did my sister remember his birthday? Did she remember our mother died 26 years ago that same date? I doubt it. As you may have surmised, we're not close. She lives in Salt Lake City, Utah, with her daughter (the younger of her two children). I can't remember the last time I spoke to her... let alone the last time I saw her. She's five years older than I; we've had a contentious relationship ever since I can remember. If she only knew how much I admired her when I was little; I bragged on her..she has the looks, she has always been the pretty one. She never had to wear glasses as a child (something I've worn since the age of 7 and obviously needed quite a bit earlier); she never had to wear braces (ditto, I wore them from age 7 to age 9); she always had males buzzing around her like flies to honey. I longed to be popular, pretty and talented like my older sister. She apparently despised me from an early age, lying to my mother about things I never did, playing physical pranks on me... she kept it up as an adult as well. I only found out a few years ago from my grown up niece and nephew as to the extent of the lies. I took my niece (18 months older than my daughter) with us on vacation to Sanibel Island, she was 15, my daughter 13, almost 14. We had a great time; I took the niece out for breakfast one morning, just the two of us, and we chatted, giggled, the whole bit. I found out many years later that my sister had told her daughter I only invited her along to "babysit" my daughter so Pete (my husband) and I could go out. Funny, we never went out without the girls, not our style. She did everything she could to misrepresent any attention I paid to either one of her children. She would not allow them to visit us very often, nor could I stop by to see them unannounced.
Her son no longer has anything to do with her. I find the whole situation sad.
Still, I wonder if daddy even entered her mind yesterday...
Posted JDaaris @
1:46 PM ::
3 chocolate drops
Today is the anniversary of my father's birth..92 years ago (1914!). He's been gone for 10 years this August. I have such a feeling of melancholy on this day; 26 years ago my mother died, on my dad's 66th birthday, in the afternoon, before they had had cake and ice cream...daddy never could celebrate his birthday after 1980, it was terrible reminder for him, and though I tried to make it a pleasant day, he couldn't be drawn out of his sadness. He missed mom; he saw something in her that I never did. I think he always remembered the vivacious auburn-haired beauty he felt lucky to have "snagged" into marriage. She had no faults that he could see, he would praise all her efforts, defend her to me, and offer no criticism of her ~ when sober at least. The fact that she was never the person to me that she was to him always created a rift between us; the gulf was not a large one, but I never knew her when she was likeable, vivacious, talented, popular... I knew her as whining, surly, bad tempered, ill-kempt, and acid tongued. So many thoughts are going through my mind today. I can only be happy today is Friday, bringing the promise of a relaxing weekend (even though I hafta work a half day!), and the week off next week (yay, yay, yay).
Posted JDaaris @
9:11 AM ::
4 chocolate drops
Hi all. As some of you may now, I write little fluff articles for our local paper here in Central Florida; I can only submit every 60 days; usually I have two or three in a year's time. They are mostly irreverent pieces based on the mistakes I make in my everyday life... or I pick on my husband and exaggerate his foibles (my most common subject, much to his complete dismay). I got word from the editor, last night, that unless my pieces offer an opinion, a strong one, they will no longer be printed! I don't do opinion pieces, I do commentary about eBay, being a chocoholic, trying to plant a flower garden, observing my husband recuperate from an appendectomy, going through the drama of having a pool built, watching men shop in a hardware store, enjoying the sounds around town, commenting on God's sense of humor (after all, He made the giraffe and the chipmonk...), attempting a Christmas light display for the yard, working at home with a cat as company.... those types of things. They are always meant as gentle fun poking, to be entertaining, and as a means to escape the seriousness of life... I'm pretty sad about this; I've lost a creative outlet for myself; I have especially enjoyed the responses I've gotten to some of the things I've written (astonishing as to how many people have taken me seriously!). Oh well.
Posted JDaaris @
6:20 AM ::
6 chocolate drops
Good grief, I didn't expect the peanut to be the big hit of the photos.... I've decided to post some more, mostly for my own edification, and to see which ones you will like... hmmmm, wonder if these comments will be on the next post or not? I can't take long to do this, the cat is hungry, and you know what that means....
Posted JDaaris @
6:17 AM ::
4 chocolate drops
I'm hoping these pics come out okay... good fer a laff.
The cat could be my cat's twin; the "gator" is a play on "Gatorade" and the peanut caption is "assaulted peanut." har de har har
Posted JDaaris @
6:19 AM ::
10 chocolate drops
At your best, you are: low maintenance, friendly, and adaptable At your worst, you are: cheap and angsty You drink coffee when: you can get your hands on it Your caffeine addiction level: high
I'm wondering if I have screwed up somehow and have messed up my template so that my posts are disappearing? They show up initially and then I never see them again.... Even Apos noticed.
Anyway, I thought I would find out how many of us had nightmares as children and just what they were... I had two. They were both quite odd, off the wall... but I'll only tell you right now about the one I had more frequently.
I was a young child, probably somewhere between the ages of 5 and 7, though I started having this particular nightmare younger than that. I was always in a square room that did not seem to have a door. The room was sparsely furnished, a couple of straight-backed chairs and a small table. There was one naked lightbulb hanging from the ceiling. I was dressed in a shirtwaist dress (typical 1950s garb); there was an older girl (not yet woman), also dressed in a shirtwaist dress, who was chasing me round and round the room; her intent was malicious; she sometimes had a knife, sometimes not. The peculiar thing was, her head was a perfect square. She had a cubed head, with hair, normal facial features, but a real "block head." This same dream would frighten me so that if I had it, I would force myself into another location in the house to try and return to sleep to a more pleasant dream. Odd scenario, ain't it? :)
I thought the picture was here, but it disappeared; I'm just stupid and too old to figure all this out... I never thought of myself old until today... :(
Thanks Apos..... thanks Lauren...... I now exist! :)
Posted JDaaris @
10:55 AM ::
8 chocolate drops
Do you ever feel simply bored? I'm bored with my routine...now that a big part of the book project is completed, I'm glad but somewhat unsettled and I'm not sure why. I will need to provide typed "keys" or answers to the voice files, which for the most part I have completed, just want to go through them all one more time, but I don't want to sacrifice another entire weekend to it, as I did last weekend. That had to have been two of the most mentally exhausting days I've spent in quite awhile. I'm bored with this stupid weather... up in the 80s for highs two days in a row, it will rain today (if the weatherman is to be believed), and then lows in the 40s, highs in the low 60s... Yep, BYG, that is cold to me! I'm not so bored with my job... we are finally going to upgrade our entire dictation system, which is about 18 months later than they should have... so that should prove to provide some interesting challenges and unexpected glitches. I've never thought of myself as a "thrill junky" but I sure do lead a very boring life... maybe it's just the fatigue talking.
BTW, my own personal siamese kitty whom I love does not have AIDS, but my daughter's cat, who is currently living here along with all the rest of her animals, does. That's proves to be a dilemma, since if she should scratch and draw blood onVal (mine), or bite Val, then she could spread the virus to Val. Val is not the most healthy of cats, she has some type of breathing problem (rapid) that can't be "fixed" as well as a heart murmur.
BTW, #2: JackieSue, I don't think you can donate your organs with hepatitis, since that can be transmitted via blood; I'm not sure if that would include donating your corneas (should you be interested), because I don't know if they are harvested with any type of blood supply. Babs: You can draw up advanced directives, i.e., a Living Will with all your end of life health preferences spelled out, and any health provider is duty bound to follow your instructions. The Living Will is free; you may be able to download a copy from WebMD or some other site; otherwise, your local hospital should have copies to provide you FREE of charge.
BTW #3: Lauren, I have no idea how to take that wonderful picture and osmose it into the avatar. I'll try, but when it asks for an address, that completely throws me off... :)
Apos, nope not somber (who could be with the weekend approaching?)... just have nothing clever or thought provoking to say... I did finally successfully cross a hurdle with that book project on which I'm working and am flooded with relief to have crossed it... waiting on all the "powers that be" in the organization for which I work to approve the transfer of voice files for the education/training module; of course, all relative personal info has been stripped from the files (I did that personally), but jumping through the hoops of having a VP, the lawyers, HIPAA coordinator, risk management all sign off on it has been a draining process, and one that has taken far too long. The publisher gave us a "drop dead" gotta have the contract signed date of last Friday, and we were shy one approval... I begged for more time, at the behest of my boss, and finally got approval at 4:30 yesterday afternoon... just after the managing editor sent the boss and me an e-mail pretty severing the relationship. After more frantic e-mails, we're back in partnership, but it sure has not been easy. More work for me to finish it all up, but I'm hoping to have that done Saturday. Too much info, eh? :) Sorry ya asked, ain't cha? :)
Posted JDaaris @
3:19 AM ::
3 chocolate drops
